Abby’s eyes are a mystery to me. Some times they look blue/grey. Sometimes they just look grey. But on St. Patrick’s Day, when she was wearing green, they looked a little green! That shouldn’t surprise me because Nat’s eyes look green when he wears green. 
If you look closely, she has brown flecks in her eyes which is kind of cool!
There’s no mistaking this boy’s eye color! 
Sometimes I wish Abby got the blue eyes too. I feel horrible about that and I don’t want her growing up being envious of her brother so I will be conscious of how I talk about it. Sometimes when the light hits Adam just right, his eyes are gorgeous and I feel bad that I don’t feel that way about Abby. I want to erase that last paragraph because I sound like a horribly petty mother! While I’m being honest, are there any other moms out there who compare their kids without meaning to or wanting to? I always figured I’ve love each of my children exactly the same and I’d never compare them, but it’s hard! They are different. How can I expect to love them the same? Sometimes I feel like my first love was Adam (aside from Nat of course, but a child is different) so I’m learning to love someone else for who they are. For instance, Abby is being defiant lately and I’m having a hard time because Adam is rarely that way, even during “the terrible twos” so she is driving me crazy and I don’t like the fact that I don’t like her some times. She’s only 13 months old for goodness sake! I think having an abnormally good natured child, (for the most part, he definitely has his moments!!), first has caused me to feel resentful towards a more fiesty, independent child. And really, I have no idea who Abby is yet. But that scares me. What if I don’t like my own child? What if I’m forever comparing her to her brother? Why on earth am I verbalizing this to my family and friends?? :)
This post really was going to just be about Abby’s eyes….I have no idea where all the deep-seeded feelings came from! Maybe because she has started yelling and screaming and throwing fits and I find myself wanting to lock myself in my room to get away from the sound. Or the realization this morning that if she doesn’t want to take a cup of milk from me, she WILL NOT do it. Until I leave the cup on the coffee table for her to sip at as she sees fit. Then she will drink the stinkin’ cup of milk. But because I want her to? No way. Or maybe because a very dear friend has a 3 year old who scares the living daylight out of me because I see her struggle almost daily to handle her and I’m so scared that that will be my future.
Any words of wisdom? Please?? In the meantime, I will go to bed and hope that tomorrow will be better. We’re going to a little “Bug Bash” play date so that should be fun!
6 comments:
I don't mean to scare you, but it is my life and it's real life for a lot of parents (probably most at some point or another) and you're lucky enough to get the daily play by play of my real life. :) Abby's stubbornness for doing anything you want her to do simply because you want her to do it reminds me SO much of my special child. Now you know why potty training was such a nightmare at my house. Or getting portraits taken. Or giving a scripture in primary. Or cleaning up toys. Or eating a meal. Or combing hair. Or any other dang thing you can think of that I want her to do.
As for your feelings on how you love your kids...I will admit that I have struggled with the exact same thing. There are definitely days (like yesterday and today) when I don't like my oldest child and it's hard to even really feel love, even though I know I love her. Whereas my easy, 2nd child I am constantly ADORING and I feel like I love her so much my heart is going to burst. I feel horribly guilty for even comparing them or feeling like I could ever love them different, but hearing that you've had the same thoughts make me think it's probably not all that abnormal. Somehow we have to just not let them know that we have those moments. And we have to put more work/effort into feeling the love for the harder kids. They have to always know and feel that we love them, because we do. Whether they are the hard or easy child. We have to watch what we say and how we act. I know I need to do better at that. It's all easier said than done though...I am so not even one to talk today. I nearly ran away and/or shut myself in my room many times today.
Now I'll end my novel blog comment. Love you! :)
I don't think you have anything to worry about with Abby. There are 2 very difficult children in my extended family and she is NOTHING like them. Every kid has phases and they seem unbearable, but they pass eventually. And some kids really do just have "strong will". But that can be a TERRIFIC thing! Especially how the world is/will be. We just need to teach them to use that strong will appropriately.
As for comparing children, I worry about that one a lot. Nate is completely outgoing, likeable, blonde haired, blue eyed, lean, and has a killer smile. Madeleine is the middle child, less lean, brown eyes, brown wavy hair, quiet brooding type. So far my baby is built like me and has a smiley personality. I get SO worried that Madeleine will always compare HERSELF with her siblings and feel less beautiful. So I feel myself sticking up for her more, consciously complimenting her, and giving her big hugs even when it didn't come very naturally. Now it's getting easier and she really responds to it.
Anyway, don't feel guilty. I bet most moms have felt that way. Everyone is different, but we are all children of God.
By the way, how did the organ playing go?
I'll always love my children but there are many times that I don't like them (or what they are doing)at a certain moment. I think this is normal parent thought (at least I hope so). I think the feelings you are having are normal for any parent to have.
I can't really give advice as I am not "there" yet. Only having one though and hearing you talk about Abby, my opinion is that "it's a girl" thing. Cause Addie has some major "addie-tude" as well and can throw some major fits too. Jillian is in the same boat as you too, she has told me before that Cade was a breeze and her Abby can be a nightmare. So I think its a difference between girls and boys! But I can always remembering you really wanting a girl ;) Maybe if you had Abby first, you wouldn't have wanted another!? ;)
I wouldn't worry about you not being a big fan of hers now - its a stage. I have to tell myself that all the time with Addie, she is in a stage and won't be like this forever. I also think it is natural to like and dislike things about your kids. And it will be like that the rest of your life I am sure. It doesn't mean you love them any less. Plus Adam is all you knew for a while and so of course you would compare. I think every mom does and will compare there kids. It is just different personalities. I hear moms saying all the time, "my 1st never gave me problems in highschool and my youngest just about did me in when they were in highschool." Don't be so hard on yourself...you love her! And this stage too shall pass!
OH AND...
this might help...if you believe in it. But if you read the 5 love languages for kids, that might help you. Abby still might be too young to figure out what her love language is, but you could always try. Maybe Adam's is time, (I am just basing this off what I read on your blog) and since you do TOT School with him, his love meter is full, where as Abby's is not. Does that make sense? I can give you more examples if you need it. I really think there is some truth to it. Oh course a child will respond to all the love languages, but they usually have one they really respond too or need. It might be worth looking into!
I think there will always be a special place in our hearts for our first borns, but as Abby gets older and her personality grows you will fall more and more in love with her. You will see that her defiance and stubborness will grow into independence and persisitance. She will go far, she will be a leader. Both her and Adam are precious. Embrace their DIFFERENT personalities. If they were all the same it would be to easy for us,and would sure be boring! I always said, God gave me two easy ones first so I would want to have more, and gave me Kinley to know I was DONE! I love her so much though, her spunyness and energy keeps me on my toes and busy as ever. I wouldn't want it any other way!
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